Saturday, March 21, 2009
Sad And Beautiful
Spring is here. Some crocus are opening. Iris are popping through. It is really quite beautiful. And I am so sad.
Spring challenges me. I want so much to be part of new growth, new life, new change. And inside, my sadness spreads. It is just about a month from the anniversary of my bad day.
I had wanted to find a different -- I thought better way to mark time. The kind of markers normal people use -- birthdays, new years, happy anniversaries. And I am disappointed that simply deciding it is what I want does not seem enough to make it happen.
Maybe I will always be a little sad in the spring. Maybe it will always be sad. Sad and beautiful.
Maybe I can learn not to beat myself up so much for the feelings I cannot vanquish. Maybe I can learn to at least make peace...if not friends with the sadness. Maybe I can make peace if not friends with its depth. Its texture. Its size. Its color.
Maybe I can learn to hold...if not embrace my experience.
Maybe it is ok if spring is sad.
Sad and beautiful.